Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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