Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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