Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
