I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.