is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
she told me i tasted like america
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I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
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I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!