I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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