You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
