Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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