I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
