Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize