i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
