i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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