apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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