the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
