I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
