Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
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I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
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Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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