i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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