see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
