My friends, they love my intelligence
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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