Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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