my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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