come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
