You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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