So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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