he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
