Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
