remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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