I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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