Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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