I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
