He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
