watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Randomize
