How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
