just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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