I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
