some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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