My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
