New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
