So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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