ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
