Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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