i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
