my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
