i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
