We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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