I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
