Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
