i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
