I'm so fucking centered right now
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
