Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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