I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
