We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
