I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
