If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
